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  • 1 year later...

Steve went to a psychiatrist.

'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it.

I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink.

'Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears.'

'How much do you charge?'

'Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor.'

'I'll sleep on it,' said Steve.

Six months later the doctor met Steve on the street.

'Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?' asked the psychiatrist.

'Well Eighty bucks a visit , three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A Californian cured me for $10 and a 12-pack . I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so! And how may I ask, did a Californian cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Nobody under there now !!!'

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No one believes seniors . . . . everyone thinks they are senile.

An Elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as

childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighbourhood after they retired.

Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered,

and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved 'I love you, Sally.'

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured truck, practically landing at their

feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. She counted

the money - fifty-thousand dollars.

Andy said, 'We've got to give it back.'

Sally said, 'Finders keepers.' She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money, and

knocked on the door. 'Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured

car yesterday?'

Sally said, 'No.'

Andy said, 'She's lying. She hid it up in the attic.'

Sally said, 'Don't believe him, he's getting senile.'

The agents turned to Andy and began to question him. One said: 'Tell us the story from the beginning.

'Andy said, 'Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday. . .'

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, 'We're outta

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Guys' Rules­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­

Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered '1' ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:

Subtle hints do not work!

Strong hints do not work!

Obvious hints do not work!

Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria 's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of them makes you sad or angry, then we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle, besides we know you will bring it up again later.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.

1. Don' t ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, fishing or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Back to top

(I thought this was funny, I hope you do also)

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Have I told this before?

A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how is manifests itself:

I decide to wash my car. As I start toward to the garage, I notice

that there is mail on the hall table. I decide to go through the

mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash

can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the

trash first, but then I think that since I’m going to be near the

mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills

first.

I take my checkbook off the table and see that there is only one check

left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, o I go to my

desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking. I’m going

to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I

don’t accidentally knock it over.

I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the

refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the

counter catches my eye–they need to be watered.

I set the Coke down on the counter and I discover my reading

glasses that I’ve been searching for all morning.

I decide I’d better put them back on my desk, but first I’m going to

water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water,

and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight, when we go to watch TV, we will be looking for

the remote, but nobody will remember that it’s on the kitchen table, so

I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I’ll

water the flowers.

I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up

the spill.

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day; the car isn’t washed, the bills aren’t paid,

there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren’t

watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook,

I can’t find the remote, I can’t find my glasses, and I don’t remember

what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I’m really

baffled because I know I was busy all day long and I’m really tired. I

realize this is a serious problem, and I’ll try to get some help for it,

but first I’ll check my e-mail.

Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to close friends you

know, because I don’t remember to whom it has been sent.

Don’t laugh - if this isn’t you yet, your day is coming! And if I have

sent this to you before….well, now you know why you’re getting it again.

:P

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  • 1 month later...

Thanksgiving Divorce

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York two days before Thanksgiving

and says,'I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your

mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

Thanksgiving Divorce

'Pop, what are you talking about?' the son screams.

We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the father says.

'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you

call your sister in Chicago and tell her.'

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 'Like heck

they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this,'

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, 'You are NOT

getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling

my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do

a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Okay,' he says,

'they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way.'

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The Bank Job

A man walks in a bank, gets in line and when it is his turn he pulls out A gun...and robs the bank! Just to make sure he leaves no witnesses. He turns around and asks the next customer in line."Did you see me rob this bank?"

The customer replies, "Yes!"

The bank robber raises his gun , points it to the customer's head and BANG !!!

Shoots him in the head and kills him!

He quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the man," Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man calmly responds ... "No, but my wife did!"

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Drive Through ATM Procedures

Please note that Banks are installing new "Drive-through" teller machines. Customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable customers to use this new facility the following procedures have been drawn up.

MALE PROCEDURE

* 1 Drive up to the cash machine.

* 2 Put down your car window.

* 3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

* 4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

* 5 Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

* 6 Put window up.

* 7 Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE

* 1 Drive up to cash machine.

* 2 Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine.

* 3 Set parking Brake, Put the window down.

* 4 Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card.

* 5 Turn the radio down.

* 6 Attempt to insert card into machine.

* 7 Attempt to insert card into machine.

* 8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

* 9 Insert card.

* 10 Re-insert card the right side up

* 11 Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

* 12 Enter PIN.

* 13 Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

* 14 Enter amount of cash required.

* 15 Check make up in rear view mirror.

* 16 Retrieve cash and receipt.

* 17 Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

* 18 Place receipt in back of checkbook.

* 19 Re-check make-up again.

* 20 Drive forwards 2 feet.

* 21 Reverse back to cash machine.

* 22 Retrieve card.

* 23 Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.

* 24 Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male drivers queuing behind.

* 25 Restart stalled engine and pull off.

* 26 Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

* 27 Release Parking Brake.

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A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard

the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in

English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in

Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):

"Because you lost the bloody war."

The controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as short-tempered

lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but

how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some

amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange

between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747

pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location

now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not

been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- and I

didn't land."

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My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping

the channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

======================================================================

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming

anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to

200 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

====================================================================

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take

her someplace expensive....

so, I took her to a gas station...

And then the fight started....

====================================================================

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school

reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as

she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend..

I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many

years ago, and

I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a

person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

===========================================================

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were

alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know

how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem

funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,

'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started...

============================================================================

THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife

kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.

But, somehow I always had something else to take care of

first, the truck, the car, playing golf "

Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When

I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,

busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the

house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed

her a toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass,

you might as well sweep the driveway.'

And then the fight started..

Moral to this story : Marriage is a relationship in which

one person is always right, and the other

is the husband.

____________________________________________

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Moose Hunting

HUMOR - Moose Hunting

Two Swedes - Sven and Ole - got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six.

As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose.

Sven and Ole objected strongly, "Last year we shot six and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same type plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six moose were loaded.

Even on full power, however, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few moments after take-off.

Climbing out of the wreck Sven asked Ole, "Any idea where we are?"

"Yaaah ai tink vi are pretty close to vere vi crashed last yer."

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Pirate Story

A young sailor was sitting in a bar having a few drinks when he looks over and sees a pirate. The pirate has a wooden peg-leg, a hook for a hand, and patch over his eye. Unable to resist, the sailor asks "How'd you end up with a peg-leg?"

"I was swept overboard during a fierce storm," says the pirate. "and a bloody shark bit off me whole darn leg!"

"Holy cow!" said the sailor. "What about the hook, how'd you get that?"

"Me crew and I were boarding an enemy ship, a fierce sword battle ensued. One of them cut me darn arm!"

"Absolutely incredible!" gasped the sailor. "And the eye patch, tell me how you got that?"

"A bloody seagull dropping fell into me eye," replied the pirate.

"Umm, you lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" asked the sailor, admonished.

Embarrassed, the pirate answered "It was me first day with the hook."

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Divorced Barbie

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?'

The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie For $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.

The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir...,Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, and one of Ken's Friends.

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Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns

Dear John,

I hope you can help me here.The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered

to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor girl. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbor girl is 22. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months.I told him to stop or I would leave him.He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling depressed and worthless. I love him very Much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant.He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila

******************************

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of

These approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float Chamber.

I hope this helps.

John

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